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It’s been a ling time since I’ve written one of these letters.
But I had to. Last Sunday was my birthday. It was also the first day that I was out of the house for an extended amount of time after my surgery and subsequent complications. My husband wanted to do the grocery shopping for me and let me rest more, but I chose to spend my birthday and first day out and about grocery shopping. Judge as you please but I am happiest knowing that we have all the groceries that we need especially since all three of my daughters would be back to school the next day.
Towards the end of our shopping trip I was feeling it.
I was getting very uncomfortable and my head started to pound. I knew my time was getting limited to finish shopping before I’d need to go sit in the car. We were in the produce department when I first heard your child. I immediately grabbed my little one and tried to access what was happening. I could hear yelling and some shouting and as your 10 year old got closer. It got louder, much louder before it seemed to stop for a moment.
That is when he came within a couple feet of us and was flailing his arms and jumping sporadically every which way. My youngest gripped my arm and her eyes showed terror. It was a very crazy situation. She really thought she was going to get hit in all the commotion.
I looked around for you. I could see this boy seemingly acting out with his words and actions but I didn’t see you parenting him. You were not yelling back at him. You didn’t try to calm him down. There was no punishments given or even threatened. When I finally saw you… a few feet away you were just doing your grocery shopping. You did look a bit hurried, but you were not too concerned by the scene that your son was creating. I was confused. I wanted to judge you. Every which way I went you seemed to be there with your son creating a commotion.
I was getting tired. I needed to leave.
I headed to checkout counter just to have you do the same. We were a couple lanes away from each other. I looked around and hoped that we both would get to pay and leave quickly. It didn’t happen. I continued to listen to your sons tirade for a few more minutes. His complaints seemed to stem from the fact that he really wanted to be at CostCo. I could easily hear it all since he was yelling so loud. I even found myself agreeing with a lot of what he had to say, which made me laugh. He is a very smart boy.
When it finally got time to pay I had to focus on my transaction.
I looked up just in time to see you looking down but still talking to an older lady. You said something like “I am not letting him do this”. And then I heard her say some sort of apology. Her apology was more from embarrassment than from really understanding the situation. I tried to make eye contact with you. I also started to walk over but at that point a couple Trader Joe’s Employee’s swooped in and I heard one of them say you were a good mom and they gave you a bunch of flowers. I decided to finish paying and then I’d go over to you.
You see this whole time I knew what was really going on.
I could tell by the look on your face and that of your daughters that this wasn’t the case of a spoiled child not being disciplined. Your sweet daughter looked like she was preparing for the backlash. You looked exhausted. I could see the lack of sleep, the worry and the constant scrutiny by others all by looking at your face.
I knew what was really happening way back in the produce isle.
We didn’t keep bumping into each other in the store randomly. I was trying to create a buffer. I wanted you to know you were not alone. I wanted you to know that I knew you were a great mom. I also wanted you to be able to just get your groceries in peace. I thought about saying something, but really, you didn’t look like you wanted to talk so I just decided to do the best I could to block the people who where saying critical things about you from getting close to you. I tried to create a safe zone but I failed. Someone still was able to get to you in the end. Instead of them looking at what was happening, and how you must have felt, they judged you. Instead of trying to help, they chose to use hate filled words and make your day even worse. All the signs were there that it wasn’t a parenting issue. Your daughter was very well behaved and your son wasn’t throwing a temper tantrum. He was expressing his opinion in the only way he could. It might have been in a way that was different than how others would, but that should have been their biggest clue. You are a good mom. Good moms make sure that there is food for their kids. Good moms do their best and you most certainly were doing your best.
When we got into our car I cried.
The tears rolled down my cheeks. I cried for your son, for he will forever have to deal with uninformed people passing judgement and I cried for you. I can’t imagine how tough that kind of criticism is on you. I cried for me because I was upset I hadn’t done more.
It’s not my job to judge. It’s my job to help.I know that next time I will do more.
This made me tear up. What a beautifully written post. If only there were more people willing to create a safe zone.
Thanks Michelle, I’m still a bit sad about the whole thing. Mostly about the way the mother was treated by others in the store. It was very obvious to me that the child wasn’t typical in development and that the mother was doing everything she could.
I am a little bit confused. What was the scene all about and why didn’t the mom just leave with him until he calmed down. I can’t imagine just carrying on as if nothing was happening if my son was so upset.
I think he may have had a disability? I was a little confused myself!
Amy, you are correct, he did have a disability… although he looked like he didn’t and I think that really led to some of the horrible things people were saying.
Robin, I was told he was autistic… but since it didn’t come directly from the mom I didn’t want to state that, but I can see how it was confusing. Regardless, I could tell that there was something different about the situation than an upset child and I decided that to help out a fellow mom.
Children can get upset for various reasons. It really isn’t there fault. Could you tell us more about the background of the situation?
I was told he was autistic and that the mom needed groceries. That’s about all I know. It wasn’t a regular old meltdown.
so many people need to hear this! so many need to have this mentality too – we are all too quick to judge!
I agree. I’ve been guilty of it myself. Those of us that are raising typical, if that’s the word for it, children can’t ever understand what it’s like to be on the other side.
As a mother to a son with a communication disorder, I was there where that mom was. Perhaps that’s what you saw in her boy? A child who didn’t know how to express himself like a “normal” kid does. I am thankful, seven years later, to know my son can handle situations now. I am thankful we had help and that he wanted to learn the tools to help him navigate a judgmental society.
Karen, I’m so glad he is doing better. Hugs to you!
I love this story because I have been in this situation. We never know what is wrong with a screaming child so we should not judge!
You did great by not judging. It would have been easy to just say I’m tired and hurting and why can’t you just STOP! (whether outloud or to yourself).
Great post! I am totally with you on the great need to look on others with love and compassion. We have no idea what is going on with the little boy, with his mother, with their family. And instead of jumping to conclusions and getting upset we all could use to be more understanding and compassionate to those around us. – Katy
You have such a tender heart, what a touching story. The thing is more people need to look through your eyes, and help not judge like you said! So sweet to see how you took everything you saw, and looked beyond what most would see.
It is so hard not to judge… but I’m trying and it really changed my life by focusing on how I can help instead of judge.
She brought him out so she knew that the possibility was there if this is a behavioral issue. People are very rude in this day and age but it is not your job to protect her. I know the desire to do that but if it is draining your limited energies you need to be careful. I’m sure that sadly, she had heard it all before. It is no one’s business – unless he was being abusive – how she handles her children.
Your empathy is exemplary.
Patty, I’m sure she knew this could happen, but she also knew she needed to get groceries for her family. I can only imagine how hard that is. I was more than happy to do anything I could in this situation… it could be any of us. I totally agree that it is nobodies business too.
I would imagine that this child was special needs and the mom was doing the best she could in that particular situation? I think it can be hard to remember not to judge and that we are all trying our hardest to do the best we can. A good reminder to us all.
You got it all right Mary Ann…
It’s so easy to judge other parents. You never know what they are going through!
Exactly Pam.
I Don’t Know How Some Parents Do It It’s HARD Sometimes But You Deal With It Best You Can!! XOCXOXO
such a great & heartfelt post!
What an awesome and thoughtful post! The fact that you even wanted to do more is great. I haven’t been in that situation before. As moms, it’s important to give each other grace. We never know each others stories.
This was such a wonderful post! I never like to assume I know what someone’s story is, but whenever I see a situation like this I try to at least offer the mom a supportive smile. We are all in this together, we just walk different paths.
Maybe the boy makes a habit out of screaming and that’s her way of not tolerating it. It must be really annoying listening to that.
I came here to dutifully share from the “awesome bloggers”group… usually I just scan the post looking for a pinnable image but I actually read your post from start to finish. Brava.
Thanks for sharing this. What a heartfelt story. I remember “back in the day” (like 20 years ago — OMG, I’m OLD) that there wasn’t much awareness about developmental disabilities, etc., so if a child was acting out or yelling, etc., it was totally commonplace (and acceptable) to say something (usually rudely) to the parent, etc. At least today, there’s more understanding and education — although there are still plenty of people who will make rude/insensitive comments, which is very sad.
I’ll never forget one time I was in Walmart with my two very young sons and one was really throwing a fit (he was about 2-3, so ya know, it happens) and the CASHIER was mouthing off as I was leaving the store, to the next person in line, about how she was “glad she didn’t have to go home with THAT.” One of those customers was my sister-in-law, and she really let her have it. I was just tired, I had two boys under three and I was pregnant with #3. Just about all kids act out sometimes. Cut the parents a break. You don’t know what they’re dealing with.
I wondered at what point I was going to find out what was actually going on and what was the issue with which this family dealt. My nephew is mildly retarded and at some times he can be loud and what others would consider insensitive, especially in public situations. Although it is not comfortable, many of us in the family know how to manage the situation. This is why it’s so important for caregivers to have consideration. What parents do is not easy work, and when there is an extra challenge in caring for a child, somebody should be caring for the parent. My heart goes out to the family. Nobody is left unaffected.
You did a really good deed and I bet that mom was so appreciative. We never know the full story and shouldn’t be so quick to judge people.
I can’t imagine… I am super-blessed that my kids have had all but maybe three fits in their lives… but I couldn’t imagine seeing another kid and watching his mom act like that
I have been in a situation similar to this! It’s real easy for people to judge very suddenly especially when it comes to what seems like an unruly child. What some people don’t understand is that some of these “unruly” children do have an actually disability and it doesn’t have to always “look” like a disability physically. Such a sad judgmental world we live in!
This story just proves you cant judge what others are doing. It may very well be something like autism or maybe discipline but you cant judge.
I have not been in a similar situation but I would have done what you did. I know you feel guilty for not doing more but you did what you could at the time. I give you credit for that.
I’m really hurting for the mom, I honestly hope she has a strong support system. I don’t have a special needs child but have worked with special needs children so I’ve seen how important having that support is. You did a wonderful thing!
Now I am crying. I have been in similar situations of feeling like I needed to do or say something to protect. What a great thing you did!
At first I wasn’t sure where this was going, but then I got it. I understood. I cried a little bit. I just want to let you know, that even though you thought you could have done more, I’m sure that mom went home & realized how much you did do & was so very grateful. You are a wonderful human being!
I can only imagine. Great story thanks so much for sharing.
I have never been in a situation like this and I am unsure what I would do if I was. I can imagine it is very hard not to judge though.
This post really made me tear up. We are so quick to judge but for this mom, this may have been tantrum #5 of the day. I wish I could send a hug to that mom and let her know that we understand!
Strangers never seem to know the full story before jumping into judge..especially in public places! THanks for sharing this beautiful story.
What a tough situation!! I’ve seen kids who were the quiet sibling, standing by and being part of it…..it’s hard for everyone involved. And sometimes for those who aren’t really involved but just happen to be in the same place, as you were!
I’m going to be terribly honest here. I read your title and I was ready to give you a what-for! I was ready to tell you that you didnt know their story, that you didnt know anything about that boy, about the things that could be affecting him, that she was just as embarrased as you were irritated. I am SO glad I didn’t have to say those things. I am so glad this article ended up being something wonderful.
Yes. People are too quick to judge. The mom probably just wanted to get what she needed and get out of there and didn’t need people judging her. Horrible. When I see people with screaming kids, it doesn’t even really phase me. Been there…done that…type of thing. I feel bad for the little girl too. My daughter always had to be second to her brother that needed more attention. Thankfully, today she is a beautiful, well-adjusted teenager who loves her brother.
Great, great, GREAT post! People love to judge, but they hardly ever try to understand. It’s a shame.
Very beautifully written. I have dealt with a tantrum or two with my toddler. I do my best to lessen the meltdown and be patient. If another person doesn’t like the way I parent that’s too bad. I see a lot of parents getting judged. Unless your are a parent yourself you will never understand. If you do have kids than you have been through those meltdowns too.
I love this open letter. I’m so glad that you took the time to try to understand what was going on, rather than just immediately judge her for what a terrible mother she was. (Because she wasn’t).
It’s a shame that people jump to judgement so quickly about things without taking the time to really look at a situation. It’s part of the human condition, I guess. But it’s an ugly part.
Reading between the lines, I’m assuming he was autistic. I’ve been seeing this more and more out in public and I’ve learned it’s not always about parenting…it’s just not.
I really appreciate this post. All of us need to remember that we don’t know the whole story unless that story is our own.
Your post brought tears to my eyes. If only more people would stop judging those around them and start to open their eyes to the real situation! Beautifully written post! Thank you!
the world needs more women like you. i mean that. everyone- we’re all so darn quick to judge- i knew in my heart before I got halfway through reading that this wasn’t a tantrum story. and i’m so glad she had you there to at least try.
one time my totally “normal” -developmentally speaking- kids were just having an off day and bickering like mad. we HAD to get groceries. actually, we had to get stuff to bring to my mom’s memorial service for that night. i was not functioning by the end of the trip. i was visibly upset. and one woman came over to me and put her hand on my arm very gently, and told me, quietly, that she had been there, and started singing silly songs with the kids to distract them from arguing so i could check out.
a great, wonderful gift. not the same- but i know what she did for me and i’ve never forgotten and i can only wish others would do that for the mom you saw
I have never been in a situation like this. It is so hard to judge a situation.
I have never been in a situation as extreme as this but I always try my best not to judge other parents. You just don’t know all the details of their lives.
I think that we have all had days like this and I know that I could use a little help sometimes too. That was nice of you.
I wish people could keep comments to themselves. We had a moment that our newborn baby was crying and every grandma near us had to share their unsolicited opinion. Makes it so hard.
I feel like this situation has happened to all of us at least once and the only people that can truly understand it are fellow parents. I honestly hate when people judge other people in general but when they have a child it bothers me even more.
This was beautiful. My friend, would love support like this, I am sending it to her. Her son is autistic and it is so hard for her. Thank you for this, beautiful.
People are always so quick to judge. The world needs more people like you.