Why is the burden on girls not to get raped?

Why is the burden on girls not to get raped?

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This is totally outside my comfort zone to even write this. I keep this blog a place for family friendly, happy thoughts. But living a happy life often takes some not so happy thoughts to get there.

As you all know, I am the mom to three girls. My oldest will be a teenager next month. My youngest just turned three. I understand that there is a different talk that has to be given to each of my daughters based on their age. Yet all of them constantly get the talk about nobody being allowed to touch them without permission. This goes for not being raped. Nobody is allowed to rape them even if they do dumb things that put them in a position where someone could.

With all the talk of sympathy for the boys in the Ohio rape case though, this will be changing. Although I don’t think this is how it should be, my daughters, along with all girls and women… will be baring the burden not to get raped. Or so it seems.

Thankfully the three year old doesn’t understand the word rape and hasn’t been subjected to all the media about the STEUBENVILLE, Ohio rape trial. Yet my 13 year old sure has. Reading all about it and the sympathy for the two boys makes me sick. They were convicted of raping a girl. Yet people were feeling sympathy for them. For rapists. Does this make my daughter feel like not getting raped is some how her burden to carry? It sure does. The perceived victims are the rapists because the real victim was drunk. She should have known better than to get drunk. I guess making a bad choice of drinking too much somehow makes it okay for two boys to rape you. Pathetic!

I’m so mad that the burden lies with my daughters not to get raped. Who is teaching these boys not to rape? Boys are the ones who should have the burden {if you even want to call it that} to not rape girls. Not the girls.

It goes deeper than this though. Should we even have to teach our sons this? Shouldn’t they already intuitively know not to have “relations” with someone that is clearly not able to fully understand what is happening? Shouldn’t our sons be more concerned that there is a person in trouble, than wanting to have relations with them? Shouldn’t their first thought be that this person had too much to drink and is in trouble of dying from alcohol poisoning?

Boys need to be taught that having relations with anyone without their permission is NOT OKAY! I’m sick of having to put the burden on my daughters not to get raped.

I will continue to teach them the buddy system. I will instill in them the self worth not to get so drunk that they pass out… I will teach them not to drink before they are 21. I will teach them that even when they are 21 drinking can be dangerous. I will teach them that although it is not their job to not get raped they still have to take steps to make sure they are not a victim.

If I was a mom of a boy I would be even madder. These two “boys” are a horrible representation of boys in general. My friends are raising boys that are good people. They know right from wrong. They would never rape. We need to talk with our sons and daughters about all of this. But make no mistake, not getting raped should never be a burden girls should have to carry.

What are your thoughts?

34 Comments

  • Laurie in MN says:

    Thank you. It’s wonderful to see a blogger come out of her comfort zone of happy happy joy joy posts and write about something…less…appealing…than a 90% off sale or a free coupon.

    • admin says:

      Thanks Laurie… I know that nobody comes here to not have fun, but somethings are worth talking about and starting a conversation about. That’s what gets changes made!

  • Sisifo says:

    I’m so glad you feel the same way! We’ve turned off the tv and we haven’t watched the news for quite a while. “These poor boys…” “Football futures down the drain…” Um, since when do we sympathize with the rapist?! It wasn’t an accident, it wasn’t a misunderstanding. THEY RAPED SOMEONE. How is this even a discussion? My husband and I are flabbergasted. That’s the only word that can describe it. I mean, I just want to pound on their heads and ask if anyone’s home.
    Great post. Like I said, I’m glad you feel the same way.

    • admin says:

      Totally do. There is no sympathy for them from me. Everyone should be outraged and supporting this little girl!

  • Kat B. says:

    I am a mom of boys as well and I think its ridiculous what is up with the rape culture in our society. I teach my boys to NOT take things that dont belong to them. If one boy is not home or sleeping or sick, the other cannot go into his room and take something. The same should be true of life. Just because someone wont know about it or will find out later doesnt make it ok to do something without their permission. Rape is disgusting and one of the lowest things that a person could do to another person and it should not be up to our girls to make sure they dont get raped. It should be up to our society to make sure that ALL of our children grow up in a way that they respect each other enough to know to not act that way.

    • admin says:

      Absolutely. It’s all about respect for each other. We are all in it together, living on this planet. Let’s take care of and respect each other!

  • Connie Haack says:

    I completely agree with you! I only read one article about this and was appalled at the comments feeling bad for the guilty boys. I started several comments of my own in response but as mad as I was, I didn’t think I was going to get my point across. And THEN post pictures on a public site. Excuse me…..they know exactly how guilty they are. Too bad they are only locked up until age 21.

    • admin says:

      I remember reading someone say they felt bad for the boy that cried at sentencing. My first thought was he was crying because he was in trouble… not because he felt bad. I do feel bad and sad… for the victim!

  • Nilda says:

    I, too, was frustrated and angry with the trial. You are right. Why have sympathy on the boys who I’m sure knew what they were doing was wrong, but still took advantage of a girl who didn’t know what was going on. As a mother of an adult son, I will say it starts at home. You have to teach your kids right from wrong. Talk to them about life in general. I don’t feel sorry for the boys who perform this awful act. Let them pay for what they did. They deserve it. Mothers who have daughters should not have this additional worry upon them. I am grateful you posted how you feel on the subject. I’m sure most mothers agree with you.

    • admin says:

      Thanks Nilda… I just felt it needed to be said! Maybe by talking about this we can avoid this happening again!

  • PJ says:

    Good article and I agree with all but one statement. Teaching your daughter to not get so drunk that she passes out . . . how about teaching your daughter not to get drunk at all. I have a 20-something son and am amazed at the lack or morals in both genders these days. My son does not drink but while in college had to deal with girls trying to get him to go out and get drunk with them. Sad that kids think they have to drink to have fun, sad that many adults think the same way. I know this article was not about drinking but statistics show that drinking is involved in most rapes.

    • admin says:

      PJ, I should have said that better. My husband and I don’t drink alcohol. We do this as an example for our daughters. What I meant when I said that part was more of an example of what people are saying that happened at that party. My girls know that our family does not drink. Having said that I don’t expect them to never drink as adults. I expect that they will do so responsibly, over the age of 21 and with a designated driver… and never to the extent of being drunk or sick.

  • rose fann says:

    sweetie i want to say thanks for writing this but i can tell you that no matter how well a parent may be raising a child does nto mean that the child will be good.. i do not pity those boys what they did was horrible and personally i think that any man or boy that rapes another person should have their privates cut off so they won’t do it anymore..its horrible that girls and women have to be the one to stop a rape, all i can say is that continue to tell your girls that NO always means no and always make sure they have a way to call you when they are out..

    • admin says:

      So true… we do the best we can… and I do think that good parenting is our first defense.

  • Billie says:

    VERY well written piece! I agree completely. I have two teenage boys. I am picky about who they hang out with, who they date and most definitely how they act! I teach my boys to respect themselves and to have respect for others! Girls – no matter what their “reputation” are NOT tools. They are to be respected just as they would respect other women within the family – and so help me if I find they do any differently, they’ll have a size 8 to deal with!!!

    • admin says:

      Billie, sounds like you are doing an amazing job raising them. It’s amazing how just talking to our kids and being there with them really influences their lives!

  • Tyger Young says:

    glad this is being discussed

  • Krista Grandstaff says:

    I’ve heard bits and pieces today that the victim’s name was given out on different tv stations, yet the boys were not named before the verdict because they hadn’t been “proven” guilty yet. People are upset about the pics being taken and sent around, posted on facebook, and they are getting in trouble over it….why aren’t these same people upset that this girl, someone’s daughter – was violated???!! One boy apologized in the courtroom, saying the pictures should never have been taken, it wasn’t ok. How about…I shouldn’t have violated your daughter???!!! I have three sons.. 22, 18 and 15…and a daughter who is 12… my sons would NEVER do this. How do I know? Because I’ve raised them to have respect for women – we’ve been talking about this around here, and they said that when they have seen situations like people drinking to excess while being underage, etc, they’ve always gotten involved. And I know they have…they’ve called me on a couple occasions to drop a whole car-full of kids off at their respective houses when parties are out of control.. We always talk about things in the media..and I am quick to reinforce the idea that the people involved are ACTUALLY people – sons, daughters, sisters, brothers… and it makes them pause and think ( at least I like to think so…)

    • admin says:

      Right, the pictures are nothing compared to what actually happened to the girl. I heard a news report that said that the girls family said that they would have never pushed this had they gotten an apology. I actually found that really strange too… It’s crazy that after all this the one boy apologized for the pictures but not rape… makes you really wonder if he even gets it now that what he did was wrong?

  • Debtgirl says:

    I am a mom of a young girl too! She os innocent and so sweet! However I want ger aware and alive! I always point out bad behavior on tv, talk about choices and danger! Just the other day i let her watch To Catch A Predtor! I know! I kept thinking it might be too much but it wasnt, eventually we just got so grossed out! Now i dont know how much she understood but she knows it was ALL wrong! We have to keepour girls safe even if it means they are fearful IMHO!

  • Debtgirl says:

    Oh my gosh remember back in r
    The day if u wore a shirt midriff they would say “she is asking for it” I think we r going backwards!!!

  • Lindsey G says:

    Very well written – I know I’m totally out of the loop – I steer clear of the news for this very reason, but I can’t believe some of the things that I’ve been reading about this case. I worry so much about what I’ll teach my two girls as they get older.

  • Cecile says:

    I don’t feel sorry for the boys at all! They knew what they were doing was wrong. They just regret getting caught. I do, however, tell my girls, that they need to be EXTRA careful. Never put themselves in dangerous positions and always be with a GOOD friend. AND, I teach my boy to respect women (he is still young, so he will get more details as he gets older).

  • april b says:

    It is the sad state of the world we live in today. where the victim is victimized even more.

  • Kayleen says:

    The victim has gotten death threats from family members of the perpetrators. They have caught them though. I believe those boys should have been tried as adults. They knew exactly what they were doing. When they post things on the internet and facebook, etc. they know exactly how much damage they are going to be doing. The one perp only got 1 year and I think the other 1 only got 2 years in a juvenile detention facility. The punishment doesn’t fit the crime. This girl is going to have to pay the price for their crime for the rest of her life.

  • Valerie says:

    Amen.

  • Sara says:

    This is disgusting – but you can’t change how other people act or raise their sons, so it IS up to parents of girls to prepare their daughters to meet up with evil (or even just stupid) people who will do them harm. I have worked with a therapist to come up with a detailed plan of escape for my daughter to enact if she finds herself in a bad situation. Doing this and making sure your daughter has her plan memorized may someday save her. Just saying it shouldn’t be the girl’s responsibility (while true) isn’t enough.

    • admin says:

      Sara, absolutely… of course I’m still teaching them to protect themselves, in ever situation. But it’s ridiculous that in today’s day and age that the perceived burden at least in the public eye lies on them not to be raped.

  • Laneva W says:

    thanks for having the courage to talk on this issue – our world does not have the morals it used to – we must teach our daughters and granddaughters how to be safe in this world

  • Angela says:

    I’m so glad you wrote this. I am just so sick over the media showing sympathy for the rapists. It really saddens me. I thought we had evolved more than that, as a society in recent years. Parents need to do better to teach our boys right from wrong.

  • II think it is sad that girls get blamed by people saying it is because of how they dress, etc. No one ever asks to get raped!

  • Stacy Garfinkel says:

    I absolutely makes my blood boil to see sympathy for these creeps. The “good old boy” mentality of boys will be boys has got to stop. My 16 yr. old son respects women and I know he will be a good man as an adult. But if he did something like raping a girl, I would be the first to make sure he didn’t get sympathy.

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